My, we haven't updated in a while. Summer vaca--er, the Sues took up a lot of time over the past few months. Now, in the interest of keep this up to date, we're posting our first LotR PPCing! Yes, indeed, the time has come for the agents to tackle the Lord of the Rings fandom! Flee, flee for your lives!
Agent Mara held her nose as she printed out the first few pages of their next mission. Her head of department had ordered them into an emergency mission in the Lord of the Rings fandom. What was so urgent about it, Mara didn’t care to know or guess. Inevitably, though, she knew she had to look at the fic. She stopped over at Isaiah’s quarters for support, after choosing her Middle Earth weapon: an Uruk-Hai scimitar.
A small sheaf of papers was shoved into Isaiah’s hands. He put on his reading glasses and looked at the title.
In a Dream
“Remind me,” Isaiah said tightly, “why we’re doing this fandom? We’ve loads of PotC stories to finish PPCing.”
“There was a ‘Guess the Age of the Suethor’ contest up on the message board. Starfish of Elves won and she sent in a fic. I may never forgive her.”
Isaiah pressed a hand to his forehead. “A psychic connection is coming to me!” he proclaimed. “I foresee a grim fate before us! I predict that yet another Mary Sue will fall into Middle-earth!”
“Quite. Oh, and you’ll adore this explanation of how she got there,” smirked Mara. “Apparently...” her finger shook slightly as it hovered over the print, “apparently lightning struck the antenna on her roof and sent an electrical current running through her house. It ‘overloads’ the wires, whatever that’s supposed to mean, and causes them to, and I quote, ‘send out the electric.’ Then she gets thrown into the book by some random electrical discharge.”
“Uh...” Isaiah wrinkled his nose. “Wouldn’t that just leave her with a bruise on the head, instead of in Middle-earth?”
“Not for a Sue. They’re special.” She shook her head. “Let’s go.”
The portal opened.
“Mara? I found out why the Department of Technical Errors was handed this job.”
“Yes?” Mara asked as the disguise generators took effect, rendering them as Elves.
“It wasn’t lightning. It was ‘lightening.’”
Mara made a sound of derision.
I landed at the feet of what looked like an Elf. The Elf raised his bow and aimed an arrow t me.
The agents had only been in the fic for a paragraph when the Sue suddenly turned into a giant T.
“That’s interesting,” said Mara, inspecting the self-insertion.
“Missing Captain Jack already, ey?”
“Yes.” Mara pouted. “I don’t want to think about what’s happening to him at the moment. There are probably a dozen ‘You’ fics pouring in as we speak—”
“Let’s just concentrate on the problem at hand,” Isaiah suggested. “Say, the goofy introduction and the fact that the Mary Sue can understand Westron?”
The two Elves before them hadn’t been described in any detail, so they looked like identical copies of a Generic Elf model. The agents took some comfort in the fact that the second Elf pointed his bow at the Mary Sue, but were dismayed as the Elves calmly accepted the explanation that Evelyn had read a book unknown to them and that “lightening” had knocked out the power and had obviously sent Evelyn headlong into the book. The Elves could have no way of knowing what “the power” was, but they shrugged this off in favor of pronouncing it impossible for Evelyn to be sent back.
“Isn’t she going to give them any description at all?” said Isaiah disapprovingly. “They still look like twins to me.”
Mara glanced down at the Words. “That would be because they are.”
"Since we know who you are, I'm Elladan and over there is my twin brother Elrohir." Said Elladan.
Elrohir helped me up off of the ground and said, "We should take you t o our father since you had a nasty fall."
They took me inside to their father.
Mara set her teeth against the bad spacing and punctuation. “Inside where?” The Sue hadn’t even named the place Rivendell, let alone mentioned the Last Homely House. Mara would have thought that the place merited at least some description, but no. Background was unimportant. The entire story was centered on Evelyn, Elladan, Elrohir, and Elrond. The Sue whined about her head hurting and consequently was offered a chance to snuggle up to Elladan as she leaned on him when they went up the stairs to the bedrooms. As they reached the bedrooms, which also had no description, the agents leaned forward to hear the legendary medical expertise of the Lord of Imladris.
"Well the goods news is that it's not broken, but the bad news is that it's not in the right place." Said Elrond.
Mara blew a wisp of hair out of her face with a sigh. “Her ankle’s not in the right place. How very informative. Oh, and the only option is surgery. I wonder if the Sue knows that there were no general anesthetics back then.”
Isaiah, new to this fandom and a bit unsure of himself, was concentrating on the technical flaws in the story. “Is she going to put a period in place of a comma after every single set of quotation marks?”
“Yep—unless someone asks a question, apparently.”
"Will you put her to sleep or keep her awake?" asked Elladan.
"Well since you seem to care so much, Elladan, which would you rather I do?" asked Elrond.
"Put her to sleep." Replied Elladan.
Isaiah sniggered. “Yes, Lord Elrond, put her to sleep! Go on; in this anachronistic story, there must be a dog pound around here somewhere.”
Mara was preoccupied with the charge list. “Causing Elladan to care excessively about the Sue. I have an unpleasant feeling about where this is going. Ooh, I was right. Causing Elladan to hold your hand.” She turned down her Canon Analysis Device, whose steadily growing whining might be detected by the Elven hearing—assuming, that is, that the Elves were in character enough to still retain that trait.
“Hm.” Isaiah moved slightly beyond the tree’s trunk, behind which the agents were hiding. “Intriguing development. The Sue is an asthmatic. Maybe this will be a more realistic modern day OC. After all, to know about the El-twins, the Suethor must have read the books.”
Sadly, it turned out that asthma wasn’t any problem in Middle-earth. Elrond immediately said that he could cure her, even though his sons, and most likely, Elrond himself, hadn’t heard the term before.
“Having the cowardice to employ an implausible medical cure just so that you can be rid of the inconvenience of having a breathing disorder.” Mara spat in the Sue’s direction. “How utterly lame. Step right up, everyone! Run away from your disabilities with a quick trip to Middle-earth!”
"You are going to put her to sleep, right?" said Elrohir.
Mara and Isaiah covered their mouths to stifle laughter at the repetition of the phrase, but their expressions soured immediately as the Mary Sue slept for a short space and awoke to Elladan holding her hand.
Isaiah got out his own CAD.
[Elladan. Canon. Male. Out of Character 39.5%]
"Elladan. Elladan, wouldn't you be more comfortable in a bed." I said softly.
"Are you offering?" asked Elladan.
[Out of character 70% and rising. CHARACTER RUPTURE! CHARACTER RUPTURE!]
"Offering what?" I asked.
"Are you offering to share your bed with me?"
"What if I was just suggesting that you should just go sleep in a bed." I said.
"Fine, there's a bed right in front of me, I'll sleep there." He said getting into bed with me.
[Out of character 84%. PLOT HOLE FIRMLY ENTRENCHED. MAYDAY!]
"Comfortable?" I asked.
"Not quite." He said pulling me close to him, close to the point where my head ended up on his shoulder.
[Out of Character 96%! COMPLETE CHARACTER ERASURE IMMINENT!]
Mara and Isaiah stood with their mouths open. They had just seen a character go from more or less canonical to completely out of character in the space of a couple of paragraphs.
“She works fast, doesn’t she?” Isaiah managed.
Mara turned away from the gruesome scene. “Welcome to Lord of the Rings fanfiction, Isaiah. Now, get out your sleeping bag. We have a long night ahead of us while the romantic couple sleeps soundly.”
“Then what?” Isaiah glanced at the Words.
“Then they are rudely awakened by Elrond, demanding to know what’s going on.”
“Yay for in character Elrond,” Isaiah said firmly as he slipped into his sleeping bag.
A few hours later, the agents were awakened by Elrond angrily wondering why Elladan was in bed with Evelyn. The CAD stopped whining for a brief moment but abruptly started up again when Elladan explained the situation.
"She made a comment that I would probably be more comfortable in a bed instead of the chair then I climbed into bed with her." Said Elladan.
“Oh, that’s a good explanation,” Isaiah remarked as he suppressed a yawn.
Elrond seemed to think so, as he pronounced it “fine.” However, he asked for Evelyn’s age and found out that she was sixteen.
“I’m going to take this time to remind everyone that Elladan is how old?” Isaiah glanced significantly at Mara.
Mara got out her copy of the books and flipped to the appendices. “Well, since we have no idea when this is taking place, we don’t know for sure, but since the Sue got thrown into the Fellowship of the Ring, we can estimate.” Mara motioned for silence and then counted rapidly to herself. “Elladan’s birth year being T.A. 139, and the Fellowship of the Ring opening with Bilbo’s farewell party around T.A. 3001, he would be at least two thousand, eight hundred and sixty-two years old!”
“A nearly three thousand year old Elf with a sixteen year old human.” Isaiah rolled his eyes. “And Lord Elrond thought that Aragorn and Arwen were too far apart in age!”
Elrond had invited Legolas (who else?) to Imladris in order to separate Elladan and Evelyn, according to the elder Peredhil twin.
"He's going to try to keep us apart, he may even send you to another Elven city or worse, Gondor with the Humans." Said Elladan climbing into my bed.
Mara and Isaiah ran for cover as the Canon Analysis Device bulged and quivered.
“Causing Elladan to be repulsed by the idea of Evelyn living with humans, despite the fact that she is human and he has a human for a future brother-in-law,” Isaiah charged. “Oh, pity the Sue, Elladan’s worried that she might be sent away. And now the Sue chimes in, saying that if Elrond catches Elladan in her bed he’ll send her to Mirkwood until she turns eighteen.”
“Um, let’s think...no. Just because being eighteen signifies adulthood in the States doesn’t mean that the age of adulthood in Middle-earth is eighteen. Going by medieval times, it probably would have been less than that. I’m sure Elrond would be only too happy to send you packing, Sue, but I think that your being a thoughtless hormonal girl would have more to do with it than your being sixteen.”
“Yes!” Isaiah had been following along with Mara. “She’s leaving. Yippee! ARGH!”
Mara raised an eyebrow.
"Lord Elrond would you like me to take Evelyn to Mirkwood?" asked Legolas.
"Yes, please Legolas, so I don't have to kill or imprison my own son for sleeping with a minor." Said Elrond.
“GYAHAH!” Mara rocked back on her heels. “Have I mentioned how much I hate this fic?”
“Well, I’ll start now. First, she uses absolutely no commas after a statement made in quotation marks. Second, she separates letters from their respective words—”
"Well then if y our going to do that, in a few hours time you will be able to leave, as soon as I get a bag together for her to take with her to Mirkwood." Said Elrond.
“—So. Third, she only has dialogue, so it’s like the characters exist in a vacuum. As for the characters sticking to their personalities...”
Elladan, his OOC-ness hovering around 97%, pleaded with his father for Evelyn to stay, as long as he promised not to sleep with her. Elrond’s position remained unchanged. Their dispute awakened Elrohir, who came in rubbing the sleep out of his eyes, despite the fact that Elves don’t really need sleep. A boring conversation occurred while the details were worked out as to how to take care of the Sue. Isaiah could recall when Tolkien’s world involved things like hope, friendship and the end of an age rather than the romantic woes of a selfish wish-fulfillment insertion.
All of a sudden, a miniature version of Legolas scurried out of the fic and towards the agents.
“Missing comma.” Mara picked it up. “Its name is ‘Minute Legolas’, if I’m not mistaken, from Elrond’s pronouncement, ‘You can deal with that in a minute Legolas’. The missing comma changed the pronunciation, and therefore, the meaning.”
“Ohh, minute in the sense of small, not in the measurement of time.”
“Exactly.” Mara fiddled with her watch. “I wish we were in real time instead of Sue time.”
“Maybe we should portal,” Isaiah suggested. “The only thing going on now is the explanation of why Mary Sue’s being sent away, and Elladan asking Evelyn to keep a secret. I really don’t want to know what that is.” He eyed his CAD nervously. It had begun rocking back and forth. “Flaming Denethor, NOW what?”
Elladan pulled me close and said, "Can you keep a secret?"
"Of course." I said picking my head up to look at him.
Elladan put his lips close to mine and said, "Maybe it's a good thing that he's sending you to Mirkwood or I might not be able to keep my hands off of you."
The agents looked on, horrified, as the Isaiah’s Canon Analysis Device exploded. The tiny shards flew in all directions. For a moment, the story halted as the Elves examined the pile of twisted glass and metal.
There was silence.
“Whoa,” Isaiah breathed, his voice scarcely audible. “It’s never done that before.”
The shards trembled and quivered as Evelyn and Elladan left the scrap metal to engage in some last-minute smooching. Fortunately, they broke apart when Elrohir, who barely existed in the story, scolded his brother for his OOC actions. Unfortunately, he did so in a way that made another figure leap out of the story.
"I hope your happy Elladan, not only is Legolas her guardian, but we're not allowed to visit Mirkwood for those two years and if Thranduil sees either of us, we are to be charged as trespassers." Said Elrohir.
“Your Happy Elladan” skipped gaily around the room, and then came to stand obediently near the agents. The sickeningly overjoyed Elf beamed at Mara, who seized her own CAD and thwapped him soundly on the head. He reverted back to canon for a moment, stared at Mara with narrowed eyes, and turned to regard the Sue with an expression of terror. All too soon, he once again succumbed to Evelyn’s spell.
Evelyn asked for more information about what would happen once she reached Mirkwood.
There the chapter abruptly ended. Mara and Isaiah lost their balance for a moment, as the ending had left neither closure nor cliffhanger. The story simply screeched to a halt, then lumbered forward again. The Mary Sue was to ride to Mirkwood in a dress, over her feeble protestations, and also after she had taken a shower. Legolas carried her to her horse, whereupon Mara’s CAD began a quiet wail.
She glared at it. “Don’t you start,” she ordered it, turning the volume down once more.
"Noro lim, Shadowfax, noro lim." Said Legolas.
Mara and Isaiah recoiled from the image of Legolas mounting a horse that should have been in Rohan, or at the very least with Gandalf. It wasn’t clear, since the fic didn’t specify the time in which this Middle-earthian soap opera was unfolding. All the agents knew was that it had to be near T.A. 3001.
“Whoa,” said Isaiah at last. “Even I know that the canon’s way out of whack. Now they’re traveling, and they won’t stop until they—”
“—hit the Misty Mountains.”
Shadowfax had run at full gallop towards the Misty Mountains and then smacked against the stone headfirst. Legolas and Evelyn were temporarily dislodged while the horse tried to find its footing.
Mara tried to stop Isaiah from laughing by adding charges to the list. “Causing Shadowfax to hit the Misty Mountains. Poor noble horse.”
“Ahahah—sorry,” said Isaiah in contrition. “But you have to admit, it was funny to see.”
Evelyn was magically cold, and therefore had to have Legolas hold her while she warmed up. Legolas told her to go to sleep. Mara and Isaiah thought they might get a little bit of relief.
"Fine." I said moving closer to Legolas.
Legolas tightened his hold on me.
Mara flinched as her CAD heated up. She could turn down the sound on it, but when the canonicals were this out of character, it was difficult to keep hold of the devices. Luckily hers had been out of the way at the time when Isaiah’s exploded, so there wasn’t so much stress on it.
There was a rustling outside of the cave in which Legolas and Evelyn had found shelter. It turned out that Elladan had followed them secretly. How he had kept pace with the fastest horse in Middle-earth was not mentioned. Now it was Elladan’s turn to hold Evelyn close. Mara clenched her fists tightly and prudently lowered the CAD to the ground as a sizzling sound came from it.
*******************************The next morning****************************
"Evelyn, it's time to get us." Said Elladan.
“Er...” Mara glanced at Isaiah, wondering if he had understood the meaning of Elladan’s words. It turned out that her partner was more worried about the continuing and irritating use of periods after quotation marks. These minor errors in the story, however, did not equal a hundredth of the distress the agents experienced upon finding Legolas fitting Shadowfax with a saddle.
“WHAT?!” exclaimed the agents at this event, nearly alerting the Sue to their presence before they recovered from their shock.
“A saddle? On Shadowfax?” Mara tore the charge list as she bore down with the tip of her pen. “She must die.”
She did not die, but instead survived for two more years, when the story picked up again.
Legolas and Evelyn were getting ready to go to a party. Everyone that Evelyn knew in Middle-earth would be there. Also, Evelyn referred to Legolas as her lover.
"I should start getting ready for the party." I said.
"If you need help, let me know." Said Legolas seductively.
“Legolas, too?! OUCH!” Mara yelped as the CAD grew red hot. “But—but—she was kissing Elladan. She led Elladan to believe that she loved him! She didn’t want to go to Mirkwood.”
“Mara, what are you doing?” Isaiah asked as the female agent pointed her Character Analysis Device at the Sue.
“Just seeing something. I want to see what her reading is.”
[Evelyn. Female. Non-canon. Mary Sue. Out of Character 66%]
Mara struggled to keep a straight face. “Well, how’s that for character inconsistency?”
“Not so inconsistent.” Isaiah pointed grimly as the Sue, conveniently dressed in only a robe, threw open the door to her room and was pulled into Elladan’s embrace.
"Elladan, what are you doing here?" I asked kissing him.
“She’s a cheater. Perfect. Wonderful.” Mara bit down on the end of her pen.
“Do I have to watch?”
Mara nodded. “Courage, Agent. Look, she’s just leading him into the room...and locking the door...and kissing him and leading him to the bed...oh, no.”
Isaiah looked from Evelyn to Elladan to Mara to her CAD, baffled.
“But—she—just—she said Legolas was her lov—”
“She let Legolas believe—”
“Legolas, an immortal Elf centuries older than she, is interested in h—”
“And Elladan too—and she deceives them BOTH?”
Isaiah throttled the air in front of him. “How can you manage to keep calm around this tripe?”
“Easily,” replied Mara crisply. “I don’t want to lose my sanity.”
"Before I left, I kept my hands to my self because I didn't ant you to get into any more trouble your Father, but I don't have to worry about that any more." I said pushing him onto the bed.
“Hey, cool, an ant!”
The insect crawled over the entwined forms while Elladan asked Evelyn if she was “sure.” Of course, the Sue, being noble enough to attract the attentions of two high-ranking Elves, said that she would be betraying Legolas’ trust if they slept together, and it would constitute a marriage according to the customs of the Eldar, and therefore it was best to refrain.
“Ewww...” Isaiah clutched his stomach as he watched something akin to a Harlequin Romance bedroom scene and a cliché movie fade-to-black coupling. He doubled over at the image of Elladan and Evelyn. A white bag was thrust underneath his chin.
“Thought you might need it,” said Mara stiffly, taking out a fresh bottle of Bleepka and quaffing it.
Mara stowed her Canon Analysis Device away in her knapsack to avoid detection. Still, every so often beeps would emit from it. An hour later, Evelyn got up from the bed...to take a shower.
“What is with this Sue and showers?” Mara examined the showerhead that had appeared in Mirkwood. “Doesn’t she know anything about what medieval technology was like?”
“Mara, she can’t even figure out which hot Elf to fall in love with. Do you really think she’s going to worry about major historical inaccuracies?”
As if to prove this, when Evelyn got out of the shower, she was having trouble with the zipper on her dress. Oh-so-conveniently, Elladan helped her with it. The male PPC agent muttered darkly as Evelyn brushed her “long, curly blonde” locks, and, after another heartwarming kiss, Elladan left.
The agents, their anger tiring them out, pretended to ignore the fact that Thranduil called her "my dear", insisted that she address him as "Grandfather", and wanted her to call Legolas "Father".
“I was supposed to call Legolas 'Ada' but that well, didn't work as we became lovers,” the Sue explained.
“Argh! What is this, pseudo-incest?” Isaiah dug his fingers into his palm.
“Don’t worry about it,” Mara said in an unnaturally high voice. “Write down the charges.”
“Fine. Grand ballroom in Mirkwood. And now, a week later and the Imladris group is on its way to Rivendell.” Elrond asked the Sue what she had done while she was in Mirkwood.
“You probably don’t want to know,” Mara answered quietly, earning a small smile from Isaiah.
"Legolas taught me how to use a bow along with twin blades. Glorfindel was my teacher for my studies. Thranduil taught me how to dance. And Legolas taught me how to speak and understand Elvish." I said while mentally adding, "I lost my virginity to Legolas."
“Can’t Elves, well, kind of tell if she did or not?” Isaiah glared daggers at Evelyn.
“Absolutely,” affirmed Mara. “Elves take only one mate for life, unless the first spouse dies and chooses to remain in the Halls of Mandos. By sleeping with Legolas, she was marrying him. Having a liaison with Elladan constitutes adultery. And, as you said, Elladan would never have slept with Evelyn after she had mated with Legolas, because he would be able to see that she had taken a husband. Here, you take a turn looking at the Words, Isaiah. What’s up next?”
“Arwen bashing,” Isaiah responded promptly, as the Elf lady suddenly appeared. “Gah! Where’d she come from?”
Mara pursed her lips.
"Did Thranduil give you a title?" asked Elrohir.
"Well, since as far as he was concerned I was Legolas's daughter, he gave me the title of Princess." I replied.
"How nice, Galadriel will have a good time with training her to become a witch." Said Arwen.
“Ah, Lady Arwen,” Isaiah murmured. “Even though you’re out of character, insulting your grandmother, you are not blind to the perils of the Sue. Hey, finally! Mara, look, the Sue’s not feeling well! Elladan’s about to ask if she’s okay.”
“Okay is NOT. A. WORD. YET.”
The Sue wanted to lie down, which the agents were sure wasn’t a good idea, as she always seemed to get into trouble when in that position. Elrond came in and asked if she would like him to take a look at her or a healer.
“I’d opt for looking at the healer,” Isaiah suggested to him. Due to the misplaced modifier, Elrond began to gape at the healer as soon as she entered the room. “Stupid Sue.”
Nothing was wrong with Evelyn, according to the healer. Then the Mary Sue asked whether she was pregnant or not. The healer checked and found that Evelyn was, indeed, with child.
"I'll send word to Mirkwood immediately with the great news and we'll tell my Grandmother in person when she arrives from Lothlorien tomorrow." Said Elladan hugging me.
“Wait, wait. The baby’s his? But—isn’t it a bit soon?” Isaiah glanced somewhat embarrassedly Mara’s way. “Not that I’m an expert on these things, mind you. But it seems a bit short a time since she and Elladan...well, you know...”
“Department of Geographical Aberrations?” Mara wasn’t paying attention; instead, she was talking into her communicator. “DOGA? Agent Dafydd? Good. Listen, I’m in a fic right now and I need a bit of help regarding the time a journey would take. Mirkwood to Rivendell. That’s right. On Elvish horses.” There was a lengthy pause while Mara listened intently. Finally, she replied in an emotionless voice, “I see. Thank you kindly. No, she’ll not be sent to your department, I promise you. You have enough to deal with.”
She ended the communication and turned to Isaiah.
“You’re right, Isaiah,” she said. “They spent a week in Mirkwood prior to leaving for Rivendell. That week, plus the journey, is the time span we’re working with. Agent Dafydd said that if she took any longer than 20 days for the journey, she couldn’t be trying. That means that only four weeks, at the most, have passed since she and Elladan had their little tryst. Evelyn couldn’t possibly have any inkling that she’s pregnant!”
“That,” Isaiah tried lightening the mood, “or it’s a very rapidly gestating baby.”
“Ugh.” Mara shuddered. “Onward. Let’s finish it as soon as we can. I feel murderous already.”
Because mangling the chief Rivendell and Mirkwood Elves’ personalities beyond recognition was not enough for Evelyn, the Sue met up with Lady Galadriel the next day and talked with her in the woods. Galadriel called Elladan “that annoying Grandson of mine” and Evelyn asked Galadriel if she could tell who the father of Evelyn’s baby was.
“Chick flick fan fic...must flee...”
“Oh no you don’t.” Mara grabbed Isaiah’s arm and forced him back. “Watch. You’ll get hardened to it soon enough.”
I think you already know already know who the father is, let your heart guide you." Said Galadriel after a long silence.
“Because all women immediately know who the father of their child is. And if Evelyn’s heart is so powerful and important, why didn’t it warn her that betraying Elladan, whom she should never have had a relationship with in the first place, was wrong?”
Evelyn went back to “the house”—where she had been with Galadriel wasn’t really explained—and found Legolas and Elladan arguing over her.
“Ah, the dream of every Sue: to have two hott Elves fighting for her love.”
“I wouldn’t call it love, Mara.”
The Sue couldn’t believe that Elladan and Legolas would argue about the issue of her love. The agents couldn’t, either, but that was presumably for a different reason. Most happily, Evelyn got confronted with her two-timing behavior.
"Evelyn is it true that you slept with Legolas?" asked Elladan.
"Yes." I said softly.
"Why didn't you tell me?" asked Elladan.
"I don't know." I said softly.
Isaiah backed away from the scene, ran into a side chamber, and exploded. “That’s all the explanation he gets? She DOESN’T KNOW?! Oh, well THAT’S all right then, Evelyn. Don’t you worry. It doesn’t matter if you betrayed the Elf you cared about. It’s of no consequence that you’re a cheater, that your endocrine system has completely usurped your brain, and that you’re a deceitful, lewd little girl with the moral compass of a COW PIE! Just display ignorance and it’ll be all better!”
"I think it's best if you go back to Mirkwood with the father of your child." Said Elladan angrily.
"Elladan your wrong, you are absolutely wrong about who the father is." I said.
"You're telling me that the baby you're carrying is mine after you've gone and slept with Legolas before you slept with me." "Elladan please." I said starting to cry.
“Please what, insect?” Isaiah demanded contemptuously. ‘“Please, Elladan, believe that you are the father of my child?’ How is he supposed to know, you unfaithful succubus? All he has to go on is your word!”
“And we all know how much that’s worth,” Mara cut in sarcastically.
Elladan shouted at her to leave and have Legolas raise the child. The Sue ran out of the room, crying.
“Good,” responded Isaiah savagely.
The downside was that this resulted in Evelyn saddling up Shadowfax.
“Let’s hope he’ll bolt and return home,” sighed Isaiah.
Mara’s eyes widened. Then she smiled sincerely for the first time since the fic’s opening.
“I have a wonderfully splendid idea.”
Meanwhile, Shadowfax carried Evelyn to Mirkwood, the Sue crying all the way. She cried when explaining that Elladan threw her out (“As he should have,” added Isaiah), said she was sorry for not calling Thranduil Grandfather (“But she’s not sorry for fooling around with Thranduil’s son and cheating on him with Elladan!”), and secured the king’s promise to help her raise her child. The Sue thanked him. Isaiah tightened his grip on his chosen weapon, a mace.
"No problem my dear. If you'll excuse me, I'm going to write a letter to Elrond to have him talk to his son about upsetting my Granddaughter." Said Thranduil. "Thank you Grandfather, that should teach that pompous bastard a lesson." I said heading up to my room.
[Agent Quen: Here, we are forced to omit several paragraphs from the account, consisting of the agents colorfully swearing and promising to do unspeakably painful things to the Sue. Agents Mara and Isaiah explained that this would not only increase the rating to R, at the very least, but it would also take more time to do away with Evelyn.]
Later that night, Evelyn stood on her balcony and muttered about how she couldn’t believe that Elladan was so stupid.
[Further omissions necessary here, particularly in the case of Isaiah’s interesting combination of scatological swears and invocation of the Valar. The same goes for, "I wish Elladan would stop acting so stubborn and actually except the fact that I'm having his baby" and Elladan saying, "Yes, and I was wrong to yell at you like that. I'm sorry I let my temper get the better of me, please come back to Rivendell with me. We can raise our child together."]
When the agents had finished letting off steam, Isaiah, who seemed to be taking the fic personally, ended with, “Evelyn betrayed his trust and slept with Legolas for two years, and Elladan is the one who is apologizing for losing his temper?”
Mara put a hand on his shoulder. “It’s all right, Isaiah. We’re nearly there.”
Isaiah swiveled his head in her direction. “Where?”
“Near the plot hole to end all plot holes. And the Sue’s demise, of course.”
There was more soppy Elladan/Evelyn cuddling, followed by “Grandfather” wishing them goodnight and Legolas reprimanding Evelyn for staying up too late. Her response was that Legolas was forgetting the critical lesson that he had taught her: never let anyone raise their voice to you without raising your voice back. Isaiah wondered if that was taught in Sue Ethics 101. The Sue and Legolas got into a fight, the Sue calling him “Father” all of the time. Legolas threatened to ground the Sue and then stormed off in an out of character temper tantrum. After Isaiah had taken down that offense against canon, Mara jabbed him with her pen.
“Pay close attention now. We’re getting there, and we have to move quickly, before she becomes immortal. And if you value your life, don’t go near my CAD!”
Mara hastily caught hold of the device and hurled it out of one of the windows. It landed in the fork of a tree not far from the balcony.
Legolas stopped short the usual archery lesson between him and the Sue and led her into a room, closing the door behind him. A sense of dread washed over Isaiah as he witnessed the scene. He wanted badly to ask Mara what was going to happen, but self-preservation stopped him.
"Legolas, what are.."
Legolas pressed his lips to mine cutting me off.
"Shush, if you don't fight me this will be a lot easier." Said Legolas.
Isaiah stood, mouth open. “No. Don’t tell me. No. Mara—Marmph!” His partner had clapped a hand over his mouth.
“Shh.” The agents crept forward, weapons at the ready.
“He’s not going to—”
I looked around the room and saw a bed and chains on the wall.
I also saw chains on the head board of t he bed.
“He is,” Mara said grimly. They both turned around at the unholy shriek that was coming from the Canon Analysis Device.
“Elbereth preserve us.”
"Legolas open this door!" shouted Thranduil from outside the door.
Legolas ignored his father's request.
I looked around the room again and remembered that this is the room that Legolas and I first slept together in.
The attempted rape was to be thwarted by Thranduil and company bursting through the door and stopping the Elf prince. The PPC got there first.
The agents leapt forward just as the second Canon Analysis Device was blown to smithereens by the advent of Rapist!Legolas. If there was one thing that Tolkien was clear about, it was that Elves did not rape. Least of all Legolas Thranduilion, Prince of Mirkwood and member of the Fellowship.
“Protectors of the Plot Continuum!” Isaiah shouted over the sound of the explosion, clubbing the Mary Sue over the head as Mara turned the hilt of her scimitar on Legolas. “You are under arrest for...oh, never mind, I’ll save my breath,” he said as she swooned. Canon was jarred into place as soon as she blacked out.
The prince, who had been busy accosting his One True Love, turned around immediately, an expression of consternation on his face. The expression quickly changed to revulsion as he eyed the unconscious Sue.
“What spawn of Morgoth is this?” he whispered, eyes fixed on the prone Evelyn.
“May you never know, good prince,” Mara answered, tentatively motioning for him to face her. When he did, she pressed the button on her neuralizer and placed several Bleeprin pills in his hand.
“Eat those as soon as you can,” Mara consoled. “You’ll feel much better and forget this ever happened.”
She turned back to Isaiah and discovered that her partner had already activated a portal. Mara was swiftly ushered through.
“Where to?” she questioned Isaiah.
“The stables,” was his reply. “There we can have a reunion of old friends.”
OOC!Shadowfax was waiting for the pair and their victim as they led him out of his stall. The grooms around them were still blinking in shock at the damage that the Sue had done.
Suddenly, Evelyn awakened with a gasp of pain.
“Ah! The baby!” she cried. “What’s happening?” She clutched her stomach.
Isaiah pressed the communicator button on his portal generator. “Dr. Fitzgerald? Medical Department? We have an emergency case here. A Sue is carrying the offspring of herself and Elladan and something went wrong when the canon snapped back into place. I don’t care about the Sue, but the baby—”
“I’ll prepare for emergency in vitro transport,” came the terse reply. “Fitzgerald out.” A few seconds later, the Sue gave another gasp as her offspring was transported back to Headquarters to await examination.
Mara, meanwhile, had sidled over to Shadowfax, looking at him nervously as the canon began to take effect. Before he could lash out, she carefully cut away his saddle and lifted the bridle off of him.
The steed’s demeanor changed immediately. He stood taller and prouder, pawing the ground with his left hoof. Mara shied away from him, uncertain if he would consider her a friend, but apparently he knew well enough who his enemy was.
“Shadowfax!” the Sue cried happily, running forward. “Come here, Shadowfax, I’ll saddle you up and we can run away from these nasty—”
The Sue noticed the unfriendly gleam in his eye a split second before the horse charged her.
“AIIIIIIIIII!” she wailed, escaping the stallion for two seconds before he caught up with her and dealt her three sound kicks with his forelegs.
“OOH!” the agents exclaimed, ecstatic, as the Sue was pummeled. From the looks of things, she had broken a collarbone, an arm, and at least two ribs. Shadowfax then reared up and stamped down hard on her legs.
“Uh...portal?” Mara asked Isaiah, eyeing Shadowfax.
“Wait. I don’t think he’s going to kill her. No, he’s moving away. How strange.”
The mighty horse looked steadily at the two agents. Mara and Isaiah stood in awe at his majesty and his curiously piercing gaze. Then, as if he knew what they were there for, he indicated the Sue with a toss of his head.
“A thousand thanks, friend,” Mara called softly. “Return home and run free. All is as it should be,” she informed Isaiah as Shadowfax vanished and returned to the plains of Rohan.
Mara and Isaiah dragged Evelyn away and portalled to Headquarters, ushering her to Medical.
“How’s Elladan’s baby?” was the first thing out of Isaiah’s mouth as they entered sick bay.
“Babies,” corrected the doctor agitatedly. “She had twins. Or, rather, she would have had twins. I can’t for the life of me figure out what she did to them.”
“Quickly gestating babies.” Mara echoed Isaiah’s words earlier and explained their significance. At that, the doctor shook his head.
“That’s exactly what it looked like.” He grimaced. “Her twins were nearly the size of three-month-old babies, but their internal organs hadn’t developed for more than four weeks. There was no hope for them the minute logic entered that story. They were stillborn.”
“Now, what do you want done with this young lady?” The doctor looked in the Sue’s direction.
“Leave her,” Isaiah said. “We haven’t charged her yet. Also, we haven’t figured out a bad enough demise.”
“I’ll ask the other agents at Headquarters about it,” Mara offered.
“Evelyn Eliza,” Isaiah bellowed. “You are charged with being a Mary Sue, with falling into Middle-earth through a plothole and speaking Westron without any prior knowledge of it, with bashing both Arwen and Galadriel, causing Legolas and Elladan to be so out of character that we lost two CADs to PPCing you, especially making them fall in love with you, fight over you, have children with you, and attempt rape on you...” he took a deep breath. “Sleeping with both Elladan and Legolas without either one knowing, having bad grammar, separating letters from their words, putting a saddle on Shadowfax, having unnaturally quickly gestating babies, and having upwards of 77 period-comma substitutions.” He looked up from his charge list. The Sue was bemoaning her fate. “For this, you are sentenced to die pending a punishment that is fitting for you.”
He shoved the charge list into his backpack and stalked out of the room.
“Need some bootleg Pink Stuff? I can get some from Ginger, if you’d like.”
Isaiah looked up from his sitting position on the floor of his quarters.
Mara stood in the doorway. The female agent crouched down and slung an arm over his shoulder. “You all right, Recruit?”
Isaiah moved away. “’M not a recruit,” he mumbled.
“That’s what you th—”
“Mara, I want to go back to PotC.”
The statement was so abrupt and final that it took Mara by surprise.
“I hate this fandom.”
“I thought you liked LotR!” Mara protested.
“Too much,” the male agent emphasized. “It’s one thing when something I like is corrupted. But when it’s something I love...it all gets too personal, I suppose. I can’t point and laugh through stuff like this. I just go to pieces.
“What are we going to do about the Sue?” he added, changing the topic without batting an eye.
Mara threw back her head and laughed. “The entire PPC knows about it,” she said. “They’re all going to turn out for the sacrifice.”
“Aye. At the temple of GreyLadyBast. We’ll wear our dress uniforms.”
“Do we have dress uniforms?”
“Not yet, but by the time the arrangements are made for the smiting, we should. We’ll follow the instructions for a new agent’s initiation. Agent Miiro is to be the guest of honor.”
“Oh? I never went through that ceremony.”
“It’s not required. Besides, this particular initiation is only for new female agents. You will be there, won’t you?”
Isaiah made a poor attempt at a smile. “I suppose. For the present, I’d like some sleep.”
Continue to Inter-Mission 1
You are cordially invited to the smiting of the Sue. With GreyLadyBast’s permission, we shall slay this Sue upon her altar.
Araeph’s note: I have only one thing to add on this fic. Evelyn1987? I have asthma. I know how inconvenient, painful and sometimes frightening it can be. I understand the temptation of escaping that condition through a fantasy world.
All the more reason why I can’t excuse Elrond curing the Sue.
Have the courage to deal with your problems, instead of merely wishing them away. Impossible medical cures might sound nice, might be nice to daydream about, but in all honesty, they don’t make your situation any better. In fact, they’ll just make you more miserable in the end, knowing that such an instant cure is unattainable.
It does not do to dwell on dreams and forget to live. No matter how hard living might be.
That is all.